As your local news source, updated minute by minute, we try our best to shield you, the inhabitants of our fair community, from the evils of this modern world. We at the Eye humbly consider ourselves to be the Gandalfs to your hobbit… and as such we feel it necessary to warn you of a clear and present danger to the way we live our lives.
Gypsies, tramps and thieves. Crazies, street-drinkers and so called “care in the community” types. All of these people have flourished in our little community for may years, principally due to the vast grey area which separates the normal from the abnormal. Our friendly tolerance of these aberrant individuals has slowly but surely been transmuted into carelessness however, and now we are threatened by a… er… threat as real and powerful as the Death Star.
An anonymous package arrived at our offices containing glossy brochures, the like of which we hoped never to see. Publications such as “Tramps Away!”, “IQ 18-30” and “Piss Up A Different Alley…” advertising holidays to Moseley for down and outs who want to live a slightly better class of life for a couple of weeks. Local luminaries such Willy, the man who sounds like he’s trying to cough up his own scrotum and “Electric Token” woman are all featured. They discuss in depth how easy life in Moseley can be thanks to the “addled minds of those gullible fucking hippies”. Accomodation is offered ranging from “One to Three Stains” and includes locations such as the “pissy mattresses round the back of Victoria Wine” and the “beautifully situated (across from an off-license)” graveyard.
Only with the discovery of this warped industry does it become clear why there is such a constant flow of brand new types of mentalist through the thoroughfares of our little village. Only now do we understand why you can be asked for change twenty times walking from Kwik Save to Cinephilia. Only now do we comprehend that they are :
Taking The Fucking Piss
The following quote was taken from the brochure, “Incomprehensibility Abroad”:
“…where else in all of Britain will you find a place that willingly spends two hundred and fifty thousand pounds on a brand new village green for the likes of us to get arseholed in? Nowhere!”
A torch wielding mob will be meeting on the green at 8 p.m.