The news that the popular Digbeth pub, the Rainbow could be forced to shut its doors forever was greeted yesterday with typical liberal hand-wringing. Whilst most people think the closure results form the parochial actions of a sonically challenged buffoon, our investigations have proved otherwise.

It has long been known that the ascendancy of Digbeth as a cultural destination has irritated the great and good of Moseley. What remained secret until now is that those which shape policy in Moseley sought a more permanent solution. We understand that an operation by the paramilitary wing of the Moseley Society has attempted to destroy Digbeth from the inside.

A representative of the Moseley Society told us “We hate Digbeth, we hate the way it’s stolen our cultural identity. We hate the way people say ooooh Digbeth, it’s got a factory made out of custard and ooooh Digbeth it’s got a pub shaped like a dog. No, it’s just a road full of sheds and it’s about time someone exposed this fraudulent district for what it really is. It’s even got a website to tell people about things in Digbeth? How sad is that? These people should get a proper job like being a Social Worker or organic farming.”

It appears, that fearing the rise of Digbeth, the Moseley Society sent one of its own to live amongst the creative industries, with mischief in his heart. For nearly two years this selfless individual lived within easy access of the City Centre and calculated the best way to slap them down.

Under the condition of anonymity he explained his crazy plan,  “I knew they liked that music and I knew that’s how we would stop them. Quite often I would sit there in my reasonably priced yet modern flat giggling as I made spurious complaints to environmental health. They made it easy, sometimes I just held the phone next to my stereo and they believed every word. They even believed that Tina Turner was playing to a stadium crowd in the beer garden of the Spotted Dog. Tina Turner died three years ago, the idiots.”

Such selfless devotion to Moseley has obviously taken its toll. He whimpered to us “You know, round here you can just get served in pub. You don’t have to wait. Oh and people are friendly and culturally diverse…………. I miss Moseley. Tell me about the sights. Does the Crafty Jungle still sell cushions?”

We didn’t have the heart to tell him.