Punktuation

As if Moseley didn’t have enough to contend with, this morning the Learning and Skills Council took the bold step of declaring all of the B13 postal district a disaster zone. The shock move follows the all too public declaration that our elected representatives have little comprehension of even the most basic rules of grammar. Matters came to a head last week when Councillor Martin Mullaney ™ managed to scam his way onto national TV in order to declare the removal of the apostrophe from the Moseley lexicon. He shouted, “I don’t know how they work and I’m getting rid of them.”

Normally such behaviour wouldn’t prompt as much as a patronising sigh from Central Government but Councillor Martin Mullaney ™ has form. Given his recent successes with graffiti and toilet trading, there is a serious concern that the people of Moseley could be left without any viable way of contracting words.   

A representative from the Learning and Skills Council probably told us “We intend to capture Councillor Martin Mullaney ™ with a linguistic trap of our own construction. We will lure him into a small cage where hopefully he will be bamboozled by an array of punctuation. We will then remove him to safer location in the city where educational aspiration is somewhat lower.”

Buoyed by his own self-belief, Mullaney is thought to be putting the finishing touches to his plan to change the name of Moseley to a hushed guttural yelp. Much like the noise you’d expect a stunned calf to make.

Clearly it’s preposterous for us to try and claim the moral high ground when discussing matters of spelling and punctuation but again we implore people to just think of the children.