Since the dawn of time, scientists, philosophers and other boffins have puzzled over the mysteries of the universe in pursuit of the answer to the ultimate question… why are we here?

Now, a local man claims to have found the answer, possibly.
By applying a secret mathematical formula to the lesser-known poetry of Emily Bronte, he is able to provide humanity with the answer to that most elusive of questions, possibly.

As this mathematical formula may well destroy all belief systems in one fell swoop, we believe that it is important to keep the identity of the local man secret. However, we can reveal that he is around 50 years old, hunchbacked, has a speech impediment, manky teeth and an otter-like fragrance about him. For the sake of reference, we will call him Dr X. Often found hanging around the Hi-Speed photocopy shop on the Wake Green Road or mumbling to himself in Kings Heath library, Dr X is reticent to reveal all his secrets.

“The answer is in there,” he told us, “But I can’t show you all the results just yet. The truth is like an atom bomb, not everyone can handle that kind of information.”

We did manage to catch a glimpse of his top secret formula, which appeared to be written in crayon, but the sheer complexity of some of the sums made our heads hurt, and quite frankly, we found speaking to him a bit freaky.

We contacted a Professor at a Keele University who seemed somewhat sceptical of Dr X’s claims. “This is a very common delusion in people with mental health problems. The theory has its roots in Jewish mysticism and the Kabbala, people have applied it to all sorts of different texts, the Bible Code is a good example of this.”

The Professor concluded that Dr X is “…looking in the wrong place. If you represent irrational numbers (numbers that are infinitely long and can’t be represented by a standard fraction, e.g. pi) in binary code, any finite string you make up can theoretically be located within the number. However, as the numbers are infinitely long, you could search for all eternity and still not locate “the truth”. If you are looking for something, you’ll find it. In theory, every book ever written exists within any irrational number. If you look hard enough, you’ll find the answers you want. Dr X may well have found the answers he wanted, but this doesn’t mean that he has found the answer to it all.”

Frankly, we’d like to believe that Dr X has found the truth, despite the scepticism of the Professor theoretically pissing on Dr X’s theoretical chips. It’s a damn good job that Dr X isn’t mad, as such power in unstable hands could be very dangerous.