You may or may not have noticed that people round here seem to have a little more zest nowadays…For the last three or four months, there has been a new and a-peeling kind of lady and gent wandering around the village, and or-ange you glad they’re here? I know I am.
Because the last few summers, I’ve been thinking, “…yeah..it’s hot…but I don’t want my tan to look like its come from harmful UVA/B rays…I want to look like some spotty Heathen has assaulted me with an Orange spray can. “And now my dream can come true, because the Consol Sun Center….(CENTER…its FUCKING CENTRE)…is here. And all my wishes of looking like an irradiated freak can now be fulfilled.
They appear to offer a range of services:-
1. You can be turned dayglo orange.
2. They can transform you from a normal, articulate person into a chain-smoking, tracksuit wearing monkey.
3. They can clad you in so much gold you look like King Fucking Solomons Fucking Mine.
4. They can take away the over sized clothes you normally wear as a fattie porker, and put you in glaring white, ultra-tight fitting clothes, that reveal your swathes of cellulite and your lack of muscle tone to the world, while accentuating your awful peroxided hair and sub-normal taste in eyewear.
So now there is a full and wholesome evening out for the discerning cretin who happens to visit Moseley.May I suggest the following evenings itinerary:
A days shopping at Slicks fashions, with a light lunch at the Village Fish Bar, followed by a visit to Consol and then top it all off with a few ales at that haven of pleasant atmosphere, the Wetherspoons.Then you can stumble round Moseley, singing DJ Otzi, throwing kebab meat around and finally you can fuck off back to Northfield, where you illiterate, bastard children will have set fire to your heroin stash and will be pulling donuts in your Astra outside on the road in front of your badly maintained housing association property, whilst you watch your favourite Staffordshire Bull Terrier have sex with a drug addled prostitute on your sofa.