The sort of inane curiosity that seems to be the curse of tiny suburban communities has once again consumed Moseley. Everywhere you go all you can hear is the same hushed question repeatedly being asked of all and sundry, “What are all those concrete blocks doing on Woodbridge Road?” they say. This seemingly innocuous addition to the village infrastructure has captured the people of Moseley’s imaginations with a force that hasn’t been seen since Willie got a new hat.
The shocking reasons for this ad hoc customisation of Moseley’s oldest and only bridge are both interesting and complicated. Over the last month we have had an undercover reporter secluded on Woodbridge Road monitoring developments as they happen. What we have learnt goes to the very top of Moseley society and the implications are clear for everyone to see.
The blocks appeared over night and just about everyone has a theory about what they are doing. One such theory is that the new Italian restaurant installed them in a bizarre yet shit publicity stunt. We have managed to discredit this theory as the bunkum it surely is.
Our suspicions were first aroused by Woodbridge Hardware’s sudden increase in trade. Scruffy Moseley types have been seen entering the hardware shop at unlikely times of the day and night and leaving with satisfied yet vacant looks on their faces. We challenged one individual to explain his sudden interest in late might DIY and clearly touched a nerve, he told us “Look mate I’ve got nothing to say, I needed to buy a hammer alright. I haven’t been buying heroin or anything, shit.” At this point he legged it.
We questioned Mr Woodbridge Hardware on his diversification from quality pans into hard drugs and he told us “It’s a fair cop guv’nor you’ve got me bang to rights. You’ve got to appreciate that the cutthroat world of hardware can be a tricky trade. With Kwik Save selling pans now I just can’t earn a crust, you do understand don’t you. When I was in Iran I met this bloke who said he could shift me a weight in concrete blocks. I had to go for it. I’ve got a wife and kids you know?”
This stunning confession probably leaves more questions than it answers. Firstly, why has he began to talk like a pretend Cockney? Secondly, why leave such incriminating evidence in plain view?
In short we really don’t know but it doesn’t stop us making stuff up and clearly libelling a prominent local business