We took a vow of silence until it opened but now Marks & Spencer is here we feel born again. We feel free to express ourselves on the everyday happenings in Moseley, secure in the knowledge that once again Moseley is the sort of place that the Sunday Times might write nice things about.

We can exclusively reveal some of the surprising things available to all Moseley residents as they ponder what’s for dinner tonight. Taking our cue from modern websites we’ve put together a list of things. It was going to be a list of ten things, we respect the decimal system. Unfortunately, we ran out at nine. This article is in no way sponsored by Marks and Spencer or any associated corporation.

 

 

The old song might say, Yes, We Have No Bananas but that’s not true in Moseley M&S. Today we counted nearly one hundred bananas. Many of them were in “bunches”, as banana fans like to call them. We’re not sure about the colour but have been told, by an expert, that this is completely normal.
M&S has a Cava alarm. At any point during the day the manager can set this alarm off and it means that there is £3 off any bottle of Cava for the twenty minutes that the alarm is going off. Beware though, if you haven’t succeeded in paying for your bubbly treat by the time the alarm stops you have to drink the entire bottle on the spot. Whilst we were there earlier it got extremely messy. Fortunately, they sell mops (we don’t know if they do sell mops).
As you enter Marks & Spencer’s you will be greeted by a disembodied voice saying “Welcome to Marks & Spencer’s Foodhall”. What you probably don’t know is that this is the voice of the late Moseley Councillor Ken Hardeman. This is an extract from his 2004 speech to Council entitled “Culture: At What Cost?” where he ranted about an unsatisfactory meal deal he’d once experienced. To give him a more welcoming tone his voice has been subjected to the sort of digital technology you might find on the X Factor.
Do you like bread? Good, M&S has got loads of bread. Not only loads of loaves but also different types of bread. It’s entirely possible to buy two different types of bread and use a different one on each side of a sandwich. Take that into work and all your colleagues will be like WTF??????
At 10:00 AM on the 27th September, it is said that Moseley was overcome by an audible groan as the manager of Co-Op was seen to beat the pavement of the High Street crying “The writing’s on the wall for my career in retail management”. All Co-Op staff have now been given permission to bring games into work as we won’t be eating any of their food again.
Think about this, what if you’ve got a sick aunt, maybe she has a bad cough, maybe wider emotional problems, maybe more serious? It doesn’t matter what’s wrong with her, it’s just an example, but she always remembers your Birthday. You can go into M&S and get a Get Well card straight off the shelf. Pop that in the post and it will bring a smile to your hypothetical aunt’s face.
Do you like flowers but are always concerned about the geopolitical implications of your efflorescent investment? Don’t worry, M&S have got your back.
When M&S name a potato-based snack they don’t have time to be frivolous. They realise you’re hungry and you just want to know what it’s made of and what shape it is. Hula Hoops are for the weak and children.
M&S Trolleys only accept the new pound coins*. They don’t care that you might have some of the old ones. They’re only legal tender until the 15th October, this is about the future

 

 

*It’s quite possible this isn’t true.